Being a typical Sagittarius making jokes out of everything is the norm. In all honesty I’ve been dealing with depression since I was a teenager. Back then it was growing pains and low-self esteem, that dug me into a dark place. Turning 20 in college, a sudden epiphany came over me. I dived into a set of goals, building confidence and keeping myself busy. The sense of happiness and fulfillment was genuine, I felt so proud of my improvement. After awhile I was not feeling the same emotions I had once before.
Recently, for the past two weeks I’ve sat in my room, something I haven’t done in months. After running around doing videography projects, photo shoots, and just meaninglessness flight. My body needed a rest, days of it. Analyzing has not been apart of my vocabulary. I been masking my feelings, leaving my thoughts to be deranged.While seating in my room self reflecting my behavior as well mood, I became discouraged. Thinking, when did it start, what is the trigger, why do I feel this way?
Art by Jos Van De Venne
Coming to comprehension, it started once I graduated. A little before then I’ve experimented with drugs on and off. The day of my ceremony I was already set for masking mode. Ever since then I been fleeting and ignoring my personal health. The whole time for months there was no defining, each moment was an outer body experience. My brain was scattered or either overwhelmed. The time I believed had structured emotion and intention, it was simply a delusion. A friend of mine in Oklahoma was the first person I opened up to. The only thing she could do was listen. Opening up, the feeling rushed to my head, not realizing how much I held back in such a long time.
The whole realization process at that point was beyond myself, for the first time in a long time I truly let it roll.
The next day feeling as gloomy as the Las Vegas forecast, tossing and turning in my bed, crying, listening to instrumentals. At that moment I couldn’t do anything, but to let mind scrabble. My conscious was in a mental riot. The feeling of shame, disguise, disappointment, and worthlessness overwhelmed me. One thought was negative, reinforcing how useless I was; second thought was positive, emphasizing that things were not that bad. Suddenly, I jumped into the shower to break out of the vomiting sobs. Feeling a little better, talking to my previous instructor. He was comforting me advising that going to a counselor is not bad. After ensuring that I was calm. The most enduring point of the conversation was a question he asked me.“What now?” I told him, I don’t know really. Just focus on my projects and take it day by day. He proceeded telling me, “come on you can do better, don’t think of anything crazy, what is the next step?” “Focus on your projects, but you have 10% left, what is your 10%?” Slightly confused, I told him, “I don’t know.” Then he continues to comfort me.
All the while feeling miserable, another issue displeased me. I DON’T HAVE ANY PANTS! I have bottoms, but no casual jeans or skinnys’. The misery doesn’t stop… all these fucking skirts and dresses.
After that dramatic day, maintaining is the routine. Figuring out how to change and improve, keeping in mind that things are not that bad. Talking to my mother about the situation, I’ve decided to go to counseling. Attending maybe to gain the right mental tools, preparing myself for future break downs I might have. Knowing that this is apart of life and its universal, it will happen. However, being expose to my fathers alcoholism. Going down a path of addiction is not an option, so nipping it in the butt is a great idea. At this point in my life, supporting my inner health and facing my demons is key. First step, admit and aware…